Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
