I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
