my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
