New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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