Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
