it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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