People with herpes should wear stickers.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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