Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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