Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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