i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she looked like the before picture.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
