I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
