Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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