ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
