I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize