I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
