I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
