No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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