I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
