Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
