that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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