First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
