I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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