The maid of honor just puked.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Can Purell be used as lube?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
