Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
