my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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