I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
