I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
