I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
