Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
