I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
