I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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