Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We have so much sex to catch up on
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
