The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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