the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize