Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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