that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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