John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
