WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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