i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
