That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize