dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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