thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
