I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
