You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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