My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
