Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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