I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
