i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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