winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
