We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
