I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
