When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
