fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
