Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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