Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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