At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
