if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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