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i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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