What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
