there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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